Zahi Hawass has today denounced his own wife as a 'liar' and a 'friend of the chaos god Seth', following her claim last week to have discovered the couple's briefly-misplaced television remote control. This latest personal feud involving Dr. Hawass began - according to the account provided by his wife Salima - when the couple were watching television together in the Cairo apartment she claims to share with the world-famous archaeologist. Mrs. Hawass alleges that she noticed the remote control was not in its usual position on the coffee table when her husband demanded she change channels. He was apparently keen to switch from watching a profile of himself that was airing on al-Ahram TV to a second programme featuring him, which was showing on a different channel.

In her original statement about the discovery, Mrs. Hawass had described 'rummaging' beneath her own legs for a short time, then around and beneath Dr. Hawass's buttocks for 'a maximum of ten seconds', before eventually finding the missing remote control lodged 'down the arm of the sofa'.

Rejecting her claim outright at a press conference today, Hawass did not directly dispute the factual basis of Mrs. Hawass's claim, but instead focused on his credentials in the field of TV remote control discovery, and her comparative lack of them.

"I have more than fifty years of experience at making these sorts of discoveries," he said. "I am from a line of remote control discoverers - it is in my blood. What has this woman ever done? Who is she? Until she made this ridiculous claim, I had never even heard of her. Ask any serious television viewer, they have never heard of this Hawass woman. She has no credibility. None. I have a PhD in sofa exploration. Where is hers? Ah, perhaps she has lost it behind a cushion. Ha, she is a joke." Speaking directly to the world's media, Hawass added: "It is quite wrong that she should make this announcement directly to the media. This is unprofessional, and she will never again explore a sofa in this country."

Hawass also dismissed the many hundreds of purported archive pictures of the couple's wedding day and subsequent decades-long co-habitation, claiming that since none of the photographs were produced from correctly configured equipment, they cannot be trusted. "Her claim to have lived with me for the past 22 years, this is madness. She could not have lived with me without a permit. Everyone who wants to live with me in my apartment must apply to me for their permit. No one digs their hand into my sofa without a permit issued by my office. Also, if she had really lived with me, I would surely have seen her in the background in one of my many television appearances."

During the forty-minute press conference, Hawass also revealed that the controversy will be the subject of his latest TV series for the Discovery Network, provisionally titled 'Beneath the Velour of the King - secrets of the sofa finally revealed'. The three-part series - to air next year - is expected to employ the very latest in needlessly complicated geomatic technology to provide three-dimensional reconstructions of the apartment, sofa and buttocks at the centre of the current furore. "For this series, I have even coined the new term 'remote-a-mentalists' for these enemies of science and truth," Hawass added: "also 'remaniacs', does that work? Also 'remote control freaks'. These terms, I am coining them now."

At the time of writing, Mrs. Hawass was reported to be rolling her eyes wearily, whilst diligently preparing Dr. Hawass's favourite supper.

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