Celebrity archaeologist Dr Zahi Hawass has today announced that all giant battling robots will be banned from Egypt's archaeological sites with immediate effect, irrespective of their intergalactic origins or affiliations. Because of the particular abilities of many of the robots in question, he has also taken the controversial decision to ban 'all air, land and sea vehicles that might reasonably be suspected of being capable of transforming themselves into giant battling robots'. As we went to press, news was emerging that two container ships carrying American cars had been sunk by the Egyptian navy at the entrance to the Suez canal as a precautionary measure, with the loss of all hands on board both vessels.

Hawass defended the decision at a press conference this morning in his usual bombastic style: "Video footage has been brought to my attention that clearly shows these robots engaging in banned activities - activities that only I, Zahi Hawass, am qualified and trained to do. Soaring high above the Giza plateau, revealing the secrets of the Great Pyramid, inflicting spectacular damage to the surrounding archaeology - all of these are things that should only be carried out by me, Zahi Hawass, and only in the context of a Discovery Channel documentary. For that reason, this ban will be rigorously enforced. Let me be clear - it applies equally to Autobots and to Decepticons, Constructicons and, well, anything that ends in -bot or -con basically."

Hawass continued: "Whilst the world's press may be blinded by talk of Allspark Fragments, Energon Signals and Sun Harvesters, these things have no scientific basis, and are no concern of the Egyptian Antiquities Service or its parent company, Hawass Conglomerated Industries. As for the habit of these illegal newcomers to transform themselves into cars and the like, not only is this a vulgar and populist tactic, it is not even anything new. I trust that you all remember that, before accepting my current position as Pharaoh of all Egypt, I had spent three years as a 2003-model Chevrolet Camaro. If it is necessary to restore some perspective to this situation, I am more than happy to prove a point and temporarily transform myself back." At this point, Hawass began to prod at his digital watch while making faint clicking and whirring noises from his mouth. However, he was bundled from the room by his entourage of sycophants before he could complete the promised transformation. An official photograph of Dr Hawass issued by his press office some hours later did indeed appear to show a Chevrolet Camaro, surmounted by a distinctive wide-brimmed hat.

This is not the first time Hawass has had a high profile confrontation with robotic technology. In the early 1990s, a robot named Upuaut was deployed by a team of German scientists to explore the so-called air shafts of the Great Pyramid. There was an unhappy end to the project - the robot was later redeployed to explore Hawass's rectal passage, but according to the Antiquities Service' official report, was burned up by an object similar to the earth's sun.

What role, if any, Upuaut had played in the ongoing battle between the Autobots and Decepticons was not known at time of going to press.

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