As the global economic crisis continues, the archaeological world has been swept by rumours that many venerable Egyptological institutions are on the verge of financial meltdown. Reporters for Egyptastic have approached some of the world's most prominent Egyptological bodies for comments on this profoundly worrying possibility.

In the UK, the improbably named Egypt Exploration Society spokesman Stan H. Unicorn told us: "In fact, we're in surprisingly sound financial health and particularly well placed to ride out a recession. Luckily, we're not overly reliant on traditional investments, nor on sales revenue. The main source of our income - the steady stream of deaths of old people who have bequeathed their life savings to the society - is largely unaffected by the credit crunch, so we feel confident that our future is secure. In fact, if you think about it, we might even benefit from the situation. As people tighten their belts, eat less well, struggle to pay heating bills and so on, our receipt of mortality-related revenue may well accelerate." Unicorn was, however, keen to stress that the EES was not being complacent: "Oh, far from it. Only yesterday, I was personally researching some possible short term additions to our funds. Take old Mrs Downing, for example. A lovely woman. Often makes it in to browse the Amarna section of the Society's library despite her crippling arthritis, and the cancer that's now spreading aggressively through most of her organs. I took the time to personally speak with her doctor yesterday, and I think I can safely say our coffers will be swelled quite handsomely, no later than the second quarter of the next financial year. Considerably sooner if we're lucky."

Meanwhile, the British Museum will also be taking measures to bolster its income. Managers there told us of their plan to rush to print a sequel to the best-selling book How to Read Egyptian Hieroglyphs, to be called No, Seriously, Here's What Egyptian Hieroglyphs Mean. British Museum bookshop manager Phillip Ellis told us: "Luckily, we've got a database listing all of the purchasers of the first book who wrote letters complaining that they still didn't have a clue what the funny little pictures meant. They're a captive audience for yet another book like this one that will sit on their shelves without being read. Once we feel the time is right, we'll release a third book appealing to people who didn't get past the first ten pages of this second one either. With that book we're considering another cost-cutting measure that we've been toying with for some time now. We plan to leave the last hundred or so pages blank, as all our research suggests that literally no one will ever see them."

In France, the response to recession has been rather more than the Gallic shrug that lazy national stereotyping might have suggested. Frederic Cuvigny of the IFAO (French Institute) told us "We will be reducing the frequency of our airlifts of foie gras, camembert and baguettes to all of our missions in the field from daily to weekly. We are also cutting back on the annual allowance given to all of our field directors for the purchase of current-season archaeological fashions. We take our role as the most stylish archaeologists in Egypt very seriously, but our directors will have to make their Euros stretch a little further while we tighten our designer belts. We've been researching something called 'shabby chic', and I think it might be just the trend we're looking for. The current trend for 80s nostalgia has been very useful too. One of our field directors recently spent a weekend looking around his attic and managed to provide more or less his entire team with outfits that would gain them entry to all but the most exclusive of Paris's bars."

What of Egypt itself? It is probably best placed to ride out any economic instability, due to the foresight shown by Dr Zahi Hawass. Ever since Egypt's antiquities service was incorporated into Hawass Conglomerated Industries, it has benefited from a far more diversified business model than most archaeological bodies. The revenue created from the sale of Zahi Hawass action figures alone is greater than the EES's annual budget. One particularly astute decision was the move - controversial at the time - to only sell the Hawass figure bundled with a full accessories pack. The pack, consisting of hat, whip, spare denim clothing, two full camera crews and eighteen assorted sycophants boosts the retail price of the figure to $199.

The swift action taken to safeguard the financial future of the subject's great institutions has not been without its critics. Jonathan Elliott, Oxford Professor of Egyptology, told us: "I'm quite, quite unimpressed by all of this rather undignified running around trying to react to world events. Since when has the world of professional Egyptology reacted to any external global development, political, social, scientific or otherwise, in any less than a decade or two?"

Unable to answer the Professor's question, writers of the current Egyptastic article were considering wrapping the piece up at this point with one last sentence terminated, as is traditional, with a full stop.

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