Zahi Hawass, Divine Excellency, Conqueror of the British Empire and Dictator-for-Life of Egypt's Supreme Council of Antiquities (SCA) has stunned an international conference on archaeological science by unveiling a groundbreaking means of exploring sites within Egypt. "I am proud to say that I am continually pushing the boundaries of archaeological science," Dr. Hawass told the symposium audience. "I call my device 'walad alla habel', or 'boy on a rope' for you foreigners." He went on: "The device consists of a piece of rope, tied around a small boy's waist. I invented it back in 1996, during my discovery of the Golden Valley of the Golden Mummies of Gold, but have kept it secret until now, lest the friends of Seth attempt to use it for their own evil ends."

Explaining his first use of the apparatus, Hawass said: "My attention had been drawn to a large pit and, as I stood peering into the darkness of the abyss, all my instincts as the National Geographic Explorer in Residence screamed that this would be a very important day for me. I just knew there was something interesting at the bottom of that hole." Mopping his brow as he became moist with excitement at the heady memory of his own discovery, Dr. Hawass continued. "At the same time, I was faced with a serious archaeological problem: the gaping crevice was very deep, and probably very dangerous. So, just as my pyramid-building forefathers would have done, I came up with an ingenious solution to the problem. At the local village, I bought a small boy and a length of rope, and proceeded to build my device. The device was carefully calibrated by circling the rope once around the boy's waist and then making my patented bow knot (the rabbit goes around the tree before it goes down the hole - this is very important!). The device was then carefully lowered by several workmen into the void. An audible feedback system of repeated, muffled whimpering confirmed the device was working until eventually the hole got so deep we could no longer hear it."

At this point, Dr. Hawass let out a long, ragged breath as the full force of that historic day's events struck him. Composing himself, and ignoring the tinkling of a bell indicating that the time allotted for his presentation was already at an end, he continued his dramatic story. "After breaking for tamaya and tea for about half an hour, we hoisted the device back to the surface. When I analysed the data from it, I instantly realised that the hole led to a chamber filled with treasure! The device was quickly disassembled for future use and plans were made for the next stage of the work - the entry of a corpulent man-sized archaeologist into the hole. After sending my photographer and five assistants ahead to capture the pictures of me discovering things, I then descended into the abyss. I am now very proud that I, Zahi Hawass, was the first person to enter that most important monument."

Discussing the full repercussions of his idea, Hawass said: "People often think of me as an archaeologist, world expert on Egyptian monuments and global ambassador for denim clothing, but not first and foremost as a scientist. These people are wrong. What I am constantly doing is updating archaeological practices and bringing the discipline firmly into the twentieth century. William Matthew Flinders Petrie would be one of my heroes if not for the fact that he was British and stole many treasures from Egypt. He was the first archaeologist in Egypt to train whole villages in excavation techniques. The descendants of those villagers continue to work on excavations today handing down their valuable skills from one generation to the next. I have taken this idea and made it modern. I ask you, for example: why not buy whole villages of small boys (girls are not preferred because their screams tend to unnerve the workmen) and build similar devices for every excavation throughout the country? If enough survivors reach an adult age, we could make more small boys, and provide future generations of archaeologists with their own walad alla habel."

Dr. Hawass later carried out a practical demonstration of his device for a select audience of journalists and sycophants from a seventh floor window at his hotel.

In unconnected news from the same conference, Egyptastic is sad to report the unexpected death of Austrian Egyptologist, Jorg Pfeifenberger. Early reports suggest the cause of death was massive cranial trauma. A nine year old Egyptian male was also admitted to hospital with two broken legs and severe rope burns.

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