American broadcaster ABC has announced today that the ibis-headed ancient Egyptian god Thoth will be replacing
Oprah Winfrey when she stands down from the multi-award winning Oprah Winfrey Show later next year. The announcement has surprised many
pundits - although Thoth does have a number of minor TV credits to his name, including a brief appearance in an episode of British teatime
drama Midsomer Murders and small roles in Holby City and The Bill, he has hitherto been better known as the prime deity of the Hermopolitan
ogdoad. A network executive said: "this may seem like a slightly left-field choice, but Thoth's millennia of experience questioning the
souls of the dead during the weighing of their heart really leapt right off his CV." The god is now expected to make his US debut during
Oprah's farewell show, to be broadcast on September 9th 2011.
Thoth, long regarded by many authorities as a champion of truth and justice, is thought to have been the network's first
choice for the ultra high profile job, ahead of chat show veterans Ricki Lake and Sally Jesse Raphael. ABC producer and amateur Egyptologist Brenda
Goodwin told Egyptastic: "His credentials as a mediator are unsurpassed. He successfully arbitrated 3 epic battles between Ra and Apep, Heru-Bekhutet
and Seth, and Horus and Seth. His wisdom knows no bounds. Plus, I really feel that he understands the body image issues that face the majority of
Americans today. Just look back at the pictures of him from the last few thousand years - his body shape has been through more changes than Oprah
and Ricki combined."
When asked to comment on his own well-publicised struggle with body dysmorphia, Thoth told us: "I won't lie, it's been
difficult. For a few centuries there, I didn't know whether I'd wake up each morning feeling like an elegant, graceful bird or a fat hairy baboon.
I know I'm not the only broadcaster who knows how that feels. But getting my lifelong weight
struggle under control has come from a process of treating myself as well as I treat others in every way. I am very much a deity of the modern age
and consider myself in tune with the needs of 21st century women. And wading birds."
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