Egypt's popular hero and recently non-elected Minister of Antiquities Zahi Hawass has followed his courageous defence of the Cairo Museum's collections by announcing a tough stance on the looters he apprehended there last Friday.

Speaking from the basement of the museum, which is connected by a network of tunnels to his lair beneath the Giza plateau, Hawass announced that he would take personal responsibility for punishing the three criminals caught inside the museum's Tutankhamun galleries.

"These enemies of Egypt will be expelled immediately from the country - I will see to it myself! We must make sure they cannot collude against us again - that is why I will be sending one of them to London, one to Berlin and one to Paris. Their evil desires to break into museums and remove artefacts from their longstanding homes in secure cases have absolutely no place in Egypt."

Keen not to appear overly draconian, Hawass explained that the expelled looters would have some hope of return to Egypt in the future, provided they show remorse and a renewed respect for Egypt's antiquities. It was for this reason, he said, that he would be providing them with directions to the famous Egyptian antiquity collections held by the respective museums in their cities of exile. "Let us only hope that they can visit these wonders without giving in to their baser urges," said Hawass. "When they do return to Cairo, they will still be carrying with them a great deal of shame. It is for this reason - and this reason alone - that I have booked each of them a return flight together with a large volume of cargo space. To carry the shame."

As we went to press, Hawass was hard at work clearing new gallery space in the newly secured Cairo museum. His progress was reportedly being slowed by frequent interludes spent rubbing his hands together and mumbling to himself conspiratorially.

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