Although many thousands of professional medical researchers have been working on the problem for many decades, the cure for cancer has in fact been discovered by a virile, hair-covered Egyptologist, it was reported yesterday. Addressing a stunned audience at an international medical convention, Dr. Zahi Hawass first explained why he had chosen to stray from his principal area of research, saying: 'I had a minion read to me a piece in my newspaper. It described the attempt to find a cure for cancer as the search for a genetic 'Rosetta Stone'. I though to myself 'since I, Zahi Hawass, famously found the Rosetta Stone in 1799, perhaps I also can find this new Stone'. And now, I have my discovery.'

Pressed by other doctors in attendance to share the details of his discovery so that the process of eradicating cancer from the world can begin in earnest, he replied 'first, you give back the Rosetta Stone to Egypt, yes?'

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